Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Rugged, Sexy Beast
Someone should have warned me, oh, about five years ago that extraordinarily woolly black dogs with black eyes and noses are nearly impossible to photograph. In this photo, Toby is feeling pretty after a day at the doggie spa. Evidently the groomer felt that Toby's masculinity could use a little boost, hence the camouflage bandana. Because nothing says HUNK O' MANLY DOG like a toy poodle wearing a jaunty kerchief.
# posted by Amanda at 8:22 PM |
5 comments
Monday, August 29, 2005
"Your cat's new friendly attitude, brought to you by STARVATION!"---Sean, in his best announcer's voice.
We recently stopped free-feeding the cats and dog because our most neurotic cat, Zoe, the one that resembled a Hershey's Kiss a few months ago, has progressed to more of a glazed donut look. A hissy, pissy, 16 pound glazed donut with an insatiable appetite for both cat and dog kibble and a history of counter surfing for people food. Even Sophie has started referring to her as "Zoe Fat Monkey". Something had to be done.
It's too soon to know if Zoe will actually lose any weight or if she's just going to be first in line to gorge at the scheduled feedings, but BOY has she been more affectionate lately! Nothing like a little scarcity of chow to motivate a show of appreciation for the ol' Two-Legged Kibble Keepers.
# posted by Amanda at 8:39 PM |
5 comments
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Sophie feeling right at home at the Maryland Renaissance Festival (a.k.a. the Maryland Cleavage Expo). In her opinion, anywhere that encourages princess costumes is a good place to go!
# posted by Amanda at 10:55 PM |
0 comments
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Let's say that it's a beautiful sunny day outside and a really dull and chilly day inside your office. You decide to take a quick break outside on the balcony, which is three stories above ground and overlooks the woods behind the office building. It is a fantastic vantage point from which to marvel at the many splendors of nature.
As you are serenely enjoying the vista, the building handyman comes flying out from the woods and peers up at you. "Hey!", you call out cheerfully, and wave to him. "I was just, um, trying to catch a snake," he offers, wiping his hands on his shorts. (He is, per his way when working outside, not wearing a shirt.)
He then launches into a rather lengthy story about how he saw a snake out there one day and thought it would be cool to build a floor-to-ceiling aquarium at his house and keep a snake in there. Maybe with some branches or something for the snake to climb on. So, you know, he was looking to see if he could find the snake. "Yeah, I'm not much into snakes," you respond, thinking wow, he is an odd one! Who tries to catch a snake with his bare hands while wearing only shorts?
Conversation shifts to the weather - it's HOT! - and how he has had to drink about a gallon of water a day while he works. "Good idea," you respond, and then politely take your leave to go back to your office. What a bizarre conversational thread, you think. As you reach your desk, you realize OH. MY. GOD. He wasn't catching a snake out there, he was DRAINING THE LIZARD!
The splendor of nature, now including an introduction to reptile life.
# posted by Amanda at 11:46 AM |
1 comments
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
"I'm Feeling A Little Pressure Here..."
And we wonder why our cats vomit on our bed.
# posted by Amanda at 11:44 AM |
2 comments
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Really Dumb Things I Have Done
- When I was about seven years old, I decided to find out what would happen if I pedaled my bike as fast as possible and then sharply turned the wheel. The hands-on method of learning that a body in motion stays in motion [skidding across the pavement] is not recommended.
- When I was twelve, I had a French teacher who made students' parents sign every graded assignment. I was a good French student but really bad at remembering to have things signed, and the teacher was kind of mean. This is how I came to forge my mom's signature to a test on which I scored 98%, thereby avoiding punishment for not having it signed, only to have the teacher post the test on the bulletin board right before Parent-Teacher Conference Night. And naturally, my parents were conscientious school conference attendees. (The covert operation of removing the test from the bulletin board mere hours before Conference Night is a story for another time!)
- During freshman year of college, about a dozen of us decided to take a late night trip into DC. We ended up at the statue in front of the Capital. Someone came up with the truly outstanding idea that we should climb the statue. Because who would notice twelve overcaffeinated adults climbing city property in front of a Federal building in the middle of the night?! Oh yeah, the DC police.
- As it turns out, cleaning the house in a state of semi-undress, particularly near the windowed front door, is pretty much an invitation for people to drop by unexpectedly. Say, for example, MY DAD.
- Also, I have bathed fully-clawed cats on more than one occasion.
Brilliant moments, all of them, but this weekend I managed to do something that eclipsed all of the above with its sheer stupidity: I SET MY OWN THUMBNAIL ON FIRE. Not only was it on fire, but I was blissfully unaware that it was on fire. Sure, my thumb was mysteriously throbbing a bit, but it wasn't until I noticed the charred nail that I realized what happened.
I'd like to offer some excuse here to try to salvage my last remaining shreds of dignity, but seriously, even after some cosmetic repairs there is still a scorch mark on my thumbnail. Just call me the Human Wick and pimp me out to the sideshow.
# posted by Amanda at 7:27 PM |
3 comments
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Well, it has certainly been an interesting past coupla weeks here at Cheezwerks HQ! Let us sample some of the more *cough* unique search terms that have referred to this site recently.
cheezwerks: Yes, you've come to the right place. But I suspect that you knew that already, pardner.
amanda las vegas prostitute: It was a wild whirlwind trip, but sorry, you must have me confused with someone else.
john deere tattoos: Yeah, they're to the left of my Bud tab earring.
cheezwerks hey that's pretty cool: Thanks, I try.
picture of a woman (fully clothed) pregnant with septuplets: A refreshing change of pace from the usual pervy searches for nekkid pics, but still a bit kinky.
hilary duff legs getting rubbed: ...Aaaaand we're back to the pervs.
manboob removal cure: What, you miss them now that they're gone?!
Never a dull moment here, folks.
# posted by Amanda at 8:55 PM |
0 comments
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Which one is the better bargain?
The sign as it appeared on Tuesday (minus the obvious PSing):
The sign as it appeared on Wednesday, after a bit of editing that was probably prompted by a flood of hopeful inquiries from lonely ladies:
At least the crabs won't leave their dirty socks all over the house.
# posted by Amanda at 11:46 AM |
0 comments
Monday, August 08, 2005
The highlight of my day very well may be the much-anticipated posted answer to the fish puzzle. I worked through it in about 20 minutes (and was dork enough to use 25 yellow post-it notes for the process), but not before the competition closed to new entries. Go ahead, YOU try it.
Update, 10:41 PM: I was wrong. The highlight of my day was the cumulative 12.3 minutes that my 48 mosquito bites stopped itching in a way that makes me wanna whittle the flesh off my legs.
Update, 7:36 AM Tuesday: HOORAY, I'm part of the ultrasmart 2% who correctly figured out the answer to "Who owns the fish?"! You may express your admiration now.
# posted by Amanda at 11:42 AM |
1 comments
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Lessons Learned by Laptop Light
I've been doing the website thing in various formats for about six and a half years now. The experience, both what I get out of it and what I bring to it, has evolved a lot over time. The internet itself is changing, too. Thus far, here is what I've learned:
- Site statistics are addictive. They are also dreadfully boring to anyone who is not the author of the site in question.
- It's generally not wise to associate one's full name, address of home residence, or place of business with one's personal website.
- The nuts, they are out there.
- The first thing that most people will do after learning that someone they know has a website/blog/journal is wonder if anything has been written about them. A small but significant portion of these people will not rest until they see a post that is or might be about them.
- A staggering percentage of people don't understand basic literary techniques. Sarcasm, for one. Hyperbole, for another. Writing very quickly off the cuff and failing to proofread, yet another classic.
- That said, what is intended as mildly and goodnaturedly mocking by the writer may actually come across as more mocking than goodnatured from the perspective of the reader. Sometimes adjustments are advisable. No shame in that.
- Really, just don't write anything even remotely negative about the workplace, and especially not about workpeople.
- There might indeed be a lifecycle to the website. Maybe the lifecycle of a cat, but still.
- Know how many people have a blog now? A gazillion. That's a fairly accurate number.
What you should know:
- If you're looking for VERY personal details, this is not that type of blog.
- If there's no humor in it (for me, anyway), it's unlikely that I'll post about it.
- I simply don't post about people that I don't like. I also don't respond to people that are trying to goad me into posting about them. So if you fall into either of those categories of people, you'd be wasting your time with vanity searches here.
- But congrats if you're someone who HAS made it into a post here. You're interesting! In a funny sort of way.
- Look, I'm not saying that if you haven't been written about here that you're either not interesting or I don't like you. Sheesh, don't be so sensitive!
- Re: intentions and perceptions, contact me if you have a question or issue with a post. Hey, if the author of a book that I reviewed here can do it, so can you!
# posted by Amanda at 11:37 AM |
0 comments
Fry Mah Hide!
For those of you who think that Southern Maryland is a foreign land filled with strange people and strange customs, and particularly for an urban certain someone who affected a twang and said, "That's how they do it in CUHL-VERT COWN-TEE," here is something you'll enjoy: Cheezwerks converted to "redneck" dialect. Yup, reckon that's what Sean and I sound like as we talk the news over our nightly dinners of squirrel and taters. [Link via Allura]
# posted by Amanda at 11:07 AM |
2 comments
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before
Me: I love you very much, Sophie, did you know that?
Sophie: Mmhmm.
Me: Know how much? More than anyone else in the WHOLE WORLD!
Sophie: Ya know, peoples tell me that...
# posted by Amanda at 10:34 PM |
0 comments
In Retrospect, Perhaps an Unfortunate Name for the Band
Hey, look! Pictures of the Black Eyed Peas' Fergie wetting her pants on stage during a concert! [link via Lukas Kaiser]
# posted by Amanda at 11:01 AM |
1 comments
Monday, August 01, 2005
Fun: Insist that we pretend that we're "a baby snake and a mama snake."
Funny: Ask me to feed you "snake food", and then shriek "Ewwwww, GROSS!" upon learning that snakes eat mice.
Downright hilarious: ACTUALLY GAG on the imaginary mouse that I pretend to feed you while we pretend to be a baby snake and a mama snake.
# posted by Amanda at 6:43 AM |
1 comments
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