Wednesday, August 25, 2004
At least once every summer, we invite a few [dozen] friends to our house for heavy grilled meat consumption and fine adult beverages. These parties are starting earlier every time because all of our friends are old* now and old people don't like to drive at night. Add beer and wine to the mix and the heads are lolling by 6 PM. Pretty soon we'll just be meeting up for a rousing game of shuffleboard after sharing a Senior Breakfast Special at Denny's.
* More and more of us are slipping into the 30+ age bracket every year. The horror! Can't someone do something about this? I demand to know why more American tax dollars aren't being devoted to research to find a cure for diminished ability to party like a rockstar!
The most recent party was last weekend. In lieu of pictures (oops, forgot to take any!), I offer:
Diary of a Big Event Day
7:30 AM
Wakey wakey! Go fetch a cup of milk for the child who is yelling, "Mommy! Milk!" from her crib. Return to bed and resolve to lay there sluglike for as long as possible.
8:30 AM
Haul out of bed after doing some quick arithmetic regarding the number of hours before guests arrive compared to the amount of work that needs to be done. Make coffee, make breakfast, make the dog go outside. Start picking up debris.
9:14 AM
Greet wildly bedheaded husband, who is reporting for duty in the kitchen. Have following conversation:
Him: What needs to be done?
Me: *rattles off list of chores, frequently invoking the verb "clean"*
Him: How clean does everything need to be?
Me: How clean...*blink*? It needs to be CLEAN.
Him: *scowls*
Me: *recalls meeting several men in college who believed that dirty laundry miraculously became clean again if it just "aired out" a bit*
9:45 AM
Grandparents arrive to drop off new kitchen table handmade by Granddad Cheezleton. The table is gorgeous. It is a rather solidly constructed table, and can be used as shelter in the event of a hurricane. Much admiring and photographing of the table ensues.
10:03 AM
Grandparents depart, taking grandchild and grandpoodle with them. There will be no fresh poodle landmines in OUR party yard, thankyewverymuch!
10:15 AM
Neighbor's very large dog wanders over to fill in for Toby in the fresh landmine department. Good GAWD, what do they feed this beast?!
10:35 AM
Suggest to husband that he not try to set up the 12'x20' party tent by himself.
10:36 AM
Watch husband continue to try to set up party tent by himself.
11:00 AM
Hear husband's announcement that he has decided to wait to set up the party tent until more Y chromosome carriers arrive.
12:30 PM
Unpleasant cramping sensation begins. Uh oh...
Uterus: Knock knock!
Me: Uh, this is really not a good time...
Uterus: You're not in control here!
Me: Look, if you'll just keep the PMS - emphasis on P - going a bit longer, I guarantee that there's some cake in it for you.
Uterus: ...I'll see what I can do.
2:29 PM
The house is...clean! The food is...ready! Never before have we been so prepared for a party! There's not even a partially finished huge remodeling project to be embarrassed about (unless you count the fact that the media room in the basement is missing part of its ceiling...but who would notice that?).
2:29:30 PM
One of our Amazing Vomiting Cats pukes up a wad of something nasty on a freshly cleaned bathroom floor.
2:30 PM
Guests begin to arrive. Merriment ensues.
3:30 PM
The monsoon rains settle over the Mid-Atlantic, turning our backyard into a mudpit.
3:35 PM
The house becomes a mudpit. Laminate flooring becomes my FAVORITE THING IN THE WORLD.
4:30 PM
Despite intermittent rain, the meat is successfully grilled and served amidst many vegan side dishes. It's good to have options.
4:35 PM
Sean reminds everyone that we have a new pool table in the basement. All of the testosterone in attendance begins flowing down the basement steps. Sean does not resurface again for several hours.
6:00 PM
It is noted that the bathroom in the foyer is behaving suspiciously.
6:01 PM
The foyer bathroom is officially closed due to "an incident".
6:02 PM
The entire party discovers a need to pee. Immediately. A line forms on the steps leading to the upstairs guest bathroom.
6:04 PM
The upstairs guest bathroom is declared to be acting funny. What are you people DOING to my bathrooms?!
6:30 PM
People with fetuses leave.
6:35 PM
People with children leave.
6:45 PM
People who occasionally babysit for people who have children leave.
7:45 PM
People who have large dogs leave.
8:00 PM
People who have adult children and no pets leave, pretty much because we are too exhausted to continue being gracious hosts. These people probably went out drinking afterwards and stayed out until 2 AM.
9:00 PM
The house is thoroughly clean once again. Party remnants have been stored or discarded.
9:01 PM
Uterus: ...About that cake you promised...
# posted by Amanda at 10:56 AM |
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